How you can personally save the life of a woman and her children after domestic violence
A common theme in domestic violence is that the man takes control of all of the finances. Therefore, most women leave with no financial assets whatsoever- often with the clothing they could pack and whatever they can fit into one car. Since 1 in 5 women in the U.S. are victims of domestic violence, and it cuts across all lines equally- education, economic, race, religion, culture- many women and their children have no skills or resources to deal with sudden abject poverty. In addition, please understand that living for one day or ten years being demeaned, controlled, watching your children battered…leaves a woman in an emotional state afterwards that is just like coming out of a warzone.
With all that said, here are 7 concrete ways you, your company, friends, and community can make a true, lasting, and immediate impact to save the lives of women and children from domestic violence.
Sponsor One Family
When we came out of hiding, we were left with essentials I could fit into our van- mostly clothing that didn’t fit the kids for long, a crockpot for cooking in motel rooms, vital documents for the children, and barely any leg space on the floor. We had lost every single thing I had ever owned, created, or even photographed. When we got into a house, neighbors “lent” us a folding table and a couple of foam mattresses and sheets, a few pots and plates. First I thought we could get back our stored items, and then when I realized everything was lost, I didn’t want to tell the community that we had nothing.
The pre-school noticed that the youngest two didn’t have much in clothing, backpacks, etc. A teacher came by with pizza to “visit” and kindly walked around for a tour of the house (I later realized she was looking to see what we had.) With our permission, and without our names, the preschool printed on the front page of their newsletter a list of items needed for a local family, thinking of everything from naming pieces of furniture, to listing school supplies, giving the sizes of the family for used clothing, kitchenware by item, etc. A director at the National Institute for Health was sent a copy by a friend and, on her own, passed on the list to her friends and co-workers.
In one week- the week between Christmas and New Year’s of 2008- trucks and men to carry items appeared daily. Within that week we had sofas, mattresses, kitchen supplies, chairs, clothing for everyone, toiletries, and even toys for the kids. Almost none of it was new, and that didn’t matter whatsoever- we had a home.
Though there are many organizations to whom you may donate used furniture or clothing, it is impossible for a single mother coming out of abuse to even transport the items, let alone go from place to place trying to get free items. Having a home is essential for the family to be able to get back on their feet.
Mentor a Woman for One Year
While every woman after abuse should enter therapy, that does not help with the overwhelming amount of logistics that come into play trying to re-establish the family, simultaneously with court cases, empty pantries, new schools, and real fear. I graduated top of my class in university, and ran several successful businesses, and I still couldn’t manage all of the details. If you would give a 1-3 hours a week to one woman to help her sort through all of the minutia and practical challenges that happen in the first year out, that hand up could be her way to a new life. If you could even oversee help for her, and have assistants or others help with the details- it would literally change her and her children’s lives. If you are looking for a family ask the local shelter, court agency that helps women, police department, social service agency or local organization that help women of domestic violence- they can confidentially approach their best recommendation for a woman in the most need and most likely to use the support to recover- and if she agrees, then connect you personally.
Mentor a Child
The lists for Big/Brothers/Sisters are horribly long, and there is no priority, just a long, long wait list. It’s the same for other mentor organizations- too many kids, too few adults. Children coming from abuse, especially if they are separated from their family and friends and only have their mother, are in desperate need of personal attention, fun to help them be kids and forget the past and the difficult present, and positive role models. Men are especially needed for young boys who may have never known a man who doesn’t hit women or children. The only way to break the cycle is with those children. Doing something fun for a couple hours a week can make an enormous difference in the life of the child, and also be a great relief to the mother. Your organization can also think of giving tickets to fun activities, events, etc to children from violence. For most of these kids, their childhood was stolen from them. You can help give it back. It’s priceless.
Legal Help
I am well aware that the reason there is virtually zero legal help for women in custody cases after domestic violence is that these can be long, expensive affairs. Men tend to continue the abuse through the court system- often hiring expensive attorneys while the women go in self-represented and afraid. I knew a woman whose ex-husband continued to molest her daughters for 10 years after she left because his attorney had gotten him unsupervised weekend visitation despite having been convicted of child abuse and molestation. A protective order only helps a bit in the beginning. The real place children’s lives are lost is in the divorce-custody trials that occur where the natural court prejudice is in favor of equal access for both parents, and often disregards the safety of the children.
If every large firm accepted one case a year pro-bono, thousands of children would be saved. If you are in private practice, make a group amongst each other where there is an attorney of record, but each of you agrees to share in the caseload required to represent the woman and child. There is no default court appointed attorney, or even investigator, for children of abuse (which I think there should be) and therefore, the court cases almost always go in favor of the abusive father- allowing them to harm the children indefinitely even after the woman has left.
Help Provide Supervision
Another big hole in the system is that there is a real lack of supervised visitation centers. Child welfare in most states previously provided court-ordered supervision, but among the many services closed for budget cuts, generally now only supervises foster children. Because there is no supervision that the court can order, the default becomes that the abusive father is given unsupervised visitation. Liability issues can help be alleviated by having the mother sign a release. Appropriate opportunities to help with supervision include: an office that already has security guards available; retired individuals from the military or law enforcement; a therapy center that has access to security guards, etc. I know this is a scary suggestion, but it’s more frightening for the children and mothers who have to live through unsupervised visitations with a proven abuser.
Political Advocacy
The system is incredibly broken when it comes to the rights of children and women who leave domestic violence. I could list dozens and dozens of ways that state and federal legislation could be changed to help protect these families. But for this, I will choose one: Under the Family Stabilization Act, Child Welfare offices around the U.S. are funded to provide a wide-range of voluntary services to help women get on their feet. However, the act was worded that the children who receive the services are at risk for abuse or neglect. Therefore, it was connected to child protective services. Since the mothers have primary custody of the children, that means that in order to receive services and help for their children, they have to have child protective services in their home. Not only is this intimidating- but there is a real fear: CPS is required to report and then cite a neglect violation to anything they see in the home, which can and does include “fire exits” (like windows) being blocked by toys. Women from domestic violence have been through so much already, it makes no sense that the victim is the one put under the microscope to get help for the children. Since the funding is already there- the solution is merely to separate out the Family Stabilization Act from CPS and put it under Health and Human Services.
In Conclusion
The number one question I am asked is “Why didn’t you leave?” I’m educated, I’ve been repeatedly successful in business, I can advocate for my children. Leaving is difficult and dangerous for anyone. But if there is no life to offer your children after you leave, and unsupervised visitation means the children are even more at risk, and there is no help for you to get back on your feet, and your children go from a comfortable life to a life of abject poverty…getting hit once in awhile seems like a small price to pay. That’s reality. I did leave. And we did suffer. And I did fight for my children tooth and nail. But most women don’t have the background to fight alone.
You can personally help end violence against women by helping them create a new life for themselves and their children. Living in a shelter, receiving hand-outs from the government or charities, is not a life. Women want a hand-up, not another hand-out.
I encourage you to read about the author Gail Zahtz at www.alifeguide.com. Her story reminds us how women can rise above adversity and empower themselves to positively change their life.
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